


The JACK Manual

by alltoseek



Series: POB Enterprises Manuals [1]
Category: Aubrey-Maturin Series - Patrick O'Brian
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2013-07-12
Packaged: 2017-12-19 05:52:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alltoseek/pseuds/alltoseek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Owner's Manual for POB Enterprises' model JACK AUBREY</p>
            </blockquote>





	The JACK Manual

**Author's Note:**

> Many years ago, acaciaonnastik posted [The STEPHEN Manual](http://acaciaonnastik.livejournal.com/24467.html), and if you haven't read it, go do so. Now. And if you have, go read it again :-)
> 
> There were many requests for more manuals, so if I may beg Acacia's pardon for plagiarising much (most?) of this from STEPHEN's (really, the JACK manual is much funnier if you have read the STEPHEN one first), here it is.

### The JACK Manual

*** * * CONGRATULATIONS * * ***

You are now the proud owner of a JACK AUBREY! In order to reap the full potential of your ship captain and avoid any unpleasant incidents, it is highly recommended that you follow the instructions detailed in this manual. Follow the directions and your JACK unit will give you years of quality performance. 

Note: POB Enterprises cannot be held liable for any mishaps resulting from failure to read and comply with safety procedures in handling your ship captain.

 **TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:**  
Name: _Jack Aubrey_  
Type: _Human (Male, English)_  
Manufacturer: _POB Enterprises, Aubrey division_  
Date of Manufacture: _1771_  
Height: _6"_  
Weight: _16 stone_  
Length: _Data presently not available. Consult[perfect_duet](http://perfect_duet.livejournal.com) for speculation._

**ACCESSORIES**

Your JACK comes equipped with the following items:

(a) violin  
(b) telescope  
(c) sextant  
(d) sabre, heavy cavalry  
(e) chest full of nineteenth-century sailing charts  
(f) post-captain uniform, Royal Navy; including Nile medal  
(g) life-size replica of _HMS Surprise_ *, fully-rigged

* _additional charge applies_

**INSTALLATION**

Your JACK should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all his accessories (see above). You may choose to confiscate any or all of items d through g. If you powered him up before reading these instructions but you want to get them away from him... tough luck.

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Your JACK unit has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in practically any language. However, if you want him to understand, use English.

Remember that your JACK is not just decorative. He is ideally suited for any number of tasks, including:

Musician*: JACK plays well on item (a), thus making himself very useful when there's nothing good on the radio.  
Sailor: JACK can handle and direct the operations on any size sailing vessel in any type of water, under any conditions. He can also navigate to any part of the globe. However, he is unfamiliar with modern ocean-going standard equipment, such as radio, GPS, or depth finders; so users should be prepared to encounter many more difficulties than in a typical modern voyage.  
Hunter: JACK's shooting skills are excellent and he very much enjoys participating in traditional fox-hunts on horseback. Caution: JACK's own estimate of his riding skills and judgment of horses is frequently greater than the reality.  
Humorist*: Few things are more amusing than a JACK unit in Punning mode. Even when the puns are not actually funny, his own enjoyment of them is generally infectious. However, the subjects of his attempts at wit will not necessarily consider this to be the case, so keep him out of Punning mode when you wish to avoid any possible confrontation with people less good-natured.

* _These functions are better fulfilled in conjunction with the STEPHEN MATURIN model._

 ***** WARNING ***** While your JACK is a fully-functional male and is capable of providing many other services around the home, certain tasks should not be undertaken by owners who are involved in a long-term relationship, unless the Significant Other is a) exceedingly tolerant and understanding, to a fault, or b) very busy doing something really noisy that takes a long time. POB Enterprises _cannot be held responsible_ for any emotional distress, damage to the JACK, the user, or the user's Significant Other, or divorce proceedings that may result from such use of your JACK unit!

Note: "Naval Officer" was removed from the list of tasks. His capabilities in that direction go only as far as those of the nineteenth century. We recommend that any user requiring military assistance seek out present-day legally-established armed services.

**INTERACTION WITH OTHER MODELS**

POB Enterprises has preprogrammed your unit with nine different modes of interaction:

_Friendly_

_Joyful_

_Punning_

_Lustful_

_Restless_

_Battle-Ready/Piratical_

_Martial/Hostile_

_Depressed_

_Slashy_

If you wish to socialize your JACK, he is especially compatible with the [STEPHEN MATURIN](http://acaciaonnastik.livejournal.com/24467.html), [TOM PULLINGS](http://perfect-duet.livejournal.com/499172.html), PRESERVED KILLICK, WILLIAM READE, [DIANA VILLIERS](http://perfect-duet.livejournal.com/379391.html)*, and [SOPHIE WILLIAMS/AUBREY](http://perfect-duet.livejournal.com/436643.html#cutid1) models. He is also compatible with nearly every other model, which will be identified in their own Manuals.

* _DIANA VILLIERS units, however, may cause other difficulties, such as JACK becoming stuck in Lustful mode. See DIANA's[Manual](http://perfect-duet.livejournal.com/379391.html)._

The factory-installed default is Friendly. Modes other than Joyful, Punning, and Friendly are not recommended for inexperienced users, particularly if there are incompatible models in the home.

 ***** WARNING ***** Although it is not essential that JACK and any STEPHEN unit with which he may come into contact be set to the same interaction mode (indeed, some of JACK's modes are unavailable to STEPHEN, and vice versa), if one model is set to Slashy while the other is not, undesirable consequences may result.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**Q:** Can I purchase a second JACK unit?  
 **A:** Due to the popularity of this model, a strict rationing system has been introduced- one JACK per household.

 **Q:** I heard that it's possible to breed from my JACK. Is this true?  
 **A:** Yes. Simply confiscate item (g), if you haven't already, and lock him in a room with a SOPHIE AUBREY unit for a while. Alternately, if you're the jealous type, just purchase the CHARLOTTE/FANNY twin set or a GEORGE unit.

 **Q:** While unwrapping my JACK (to look for his _serial number_ , obviously) I came across multiple scars all over his body. Where did he acquire these and are they permanent?  
 **A:** The JACK model eagerly seeks out action. Scars may have resulted from any number of battles, shipwrecks, or horse-riding accidents. Read the books.

 **Q:** My JACK unit has turned bright red-purplish, his mouth is stretched out in a wide grimace and his eyes are squeezed shut. Is he broken?  
 **A:** No. Your JACK has made a witticism he finds uproariously funny. The humor of his remark may have escaped you, however. 

**Q:** I'd like to take my JACK traveling with me. What vacation spots are appropriate?  
 **A:** The JACK model travels extremely well. We recommend almost any location by a seashore. However, places rich in bikini-clad women should be avoided lest your JACK unit become stuck in Lustful mode.

 **Q:** I am not the owner of the JACK unit, but the owner's Significant Other. How can I stop my partner from ignoring me in favor of JACK?  
 **A:** If there is also a STEPHEN in the house, and you can get the units alone, switching them both to Slashy mode may work. If not, you should be able to moderate JACK's behavior with a SOPHIE WILLIAMS/AUBREY unit. Alternately, provide the JACK unit with optional accessory (g).

 

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

Your JACK is an intricate combination of craftsmanship and programming, and in the course of operations you may encounter the following situations:

 **Problem:** Your JACK is gaining far too much weight.  
 **Solution:** Limit his wine* and access to certain high-calorie foods, such as puddings, fatty meats, and soused hogs-face. Encourage exercise such as horse-riding, swimming, and sailing, of course!

* _Warning: Limiting his wine and/or providing inferior wines, or pointing out your JACK's portliness, may lead your JACK to regard you as a scrub, or even send him into Hostile or Depressed modes._

 **Problem:** You recently introduced a DIANA VILLIERS unit into your home. Now your STEPHEN and JACK units are making plans to shoot each other.  
 **Solution:** The immediate crisis may be dealt with by returning both male units to Friendly mode. To deal with the root cause, see DIANA's Manual.

 **Problem:** You attempted that last solution, but found one or both units stuck in Hostile.  
 **Solution:** Try getting one of the units - the JACK model works best for this, but either will do - seriously wounded. It will all blow over shortly.

 **Problem:** Your JACK unit appears stuck in Restless mode, and keeps seeking out increasingly hazardous (and expensive) activities.  
 **Solution:** Take your JACK sailing, preferably on a long ocean voyage. The presence of a STEPHEN unit with a SIR JOSEPH BLAINE unit, especially in combination with the optional accessory _HMS Surprise_ , is particularly effective at providing the JACK unit with wholesome occupation.*

* _Note: POB Enterprises is not responsible for any regime changes that may result._

 **Problem:** Your JACK seems stuck in Slashy mode, and has become the butt of many jokes by other units present.  
 **Solution:** You have been issued a WILLIAM MARSHALL unit by mistake. You can return him to the place of purchase, with the receipt, for a full refund or exchange.

 **Problem:** Your female friends complain that your JACK keeps staring at their bosoms. Sometimes the complaint comes from the friend's SO.  
 **Solution:** The JACK model has persisted in this politically-incorrect mode of behavior despite the best efforts of our programmers. You can try setting him to Slashy mode, but then the complaints regarding staring may come from your male friends, and their SO's.

**FINAL NOTE**

With careful monitoring and extra precautions, you should get the full benefit out of your JACK AUBREY. Sadly, due to this model's tendency to seek out dangerous situations, he does not come with a warranty.


End file.
